Sarah, Sarah, beautiful girl.
Im so angry. Angry at The cedars, they knew all along.
Angry at the m/h teams who all let you down and ANGRY at myself.
The more i see your face in my mind the last time i saw you that week or so ago. When you squeezed me so tight earlier before they discharged you, i should had known that the way you said goodbye, was not goodbye for the day but goodbye for always. I SHOULD had acted. Deep inside it wasnt okay.
I told them no, you cannot let her go. I told them, please she is not safe to leave.
Two weeks earlier 20 stitches on. One week earlier they found you on The tracks. Kicking and screaming they brought you back. 5 days after, i sat and i cried and i screamed as nurses ran past me in the corridor, scissors in hand, oxygen cans and panic that your not breathing. Fucking curtains. I bet it was the curtains. Id tugged them myself. The first unit ive ever been in where we had curtains, real ones, not even the magnetic type.
Ella she’l be fine but you need to move. Bull shit, dont lie to me, get your hands off. Pushing through, the double doors shut in my face.
I sit. My S turns up from home. We sit together, and i tell myself to pull it together. Ive put you through enough.
You got out of the situation physically okay.
I never asked you questions. I didnt need to. I knew.
I remember us sat in the garden, in the corner by the fence. Rian bent on one knee shooting and killing the enemies approaching us.
You cry so hard and you talk to me. Inside you tell me, deep in you, its just there, the nagging feeling of death, every second it scratches at your inside, a dull continuous ache that intensifies to an excruciating pain. The pain is the urge, the need, the only option. The pain is to die. The only way to make it go away. The only peace to make it all stop.
They dont get it, they dont know what it is like. Its always inside crawling its way out, and you can only go so long to keep it together with that going on inside of you. If you could tear at your flesh and tear it from your soul, it would be black and rotten and deadly and you would lock it up but never make it go.
You were beautiful despite your pains and such a lovely, funny girl. so funny. You cared so much for everyone else. It was obvious how much you hurt, the way you stared and would clasp at your chest and they would medicate it away.
You said youd be here, but of course you wouldnt. It was a mutual thing. I had seen what it all looks like, after all i was in such a similar picture. Words cant really describe such a scene. You knew. I knew. That was our words. A glance said it all.
Heres the worst bit of all except for the fact that your not here…
Inside sometimes i get so mad. IF someone is in THAT much pain, the type you cannot see, is it love and kindness, caring and support to enforce that they stay trapped in all of that? Or is it selfish and your own needs that make you act to keep them here?
When a person dies through their own will and that persons family and friends are grieving and questioning how said person could cause them such pain…how is such pain different to the pain the individual was going through? Who is anyone to say which is more selfish and decide whos pain is more or less?
Im not talking of the teenage girls and boys or the workman being bullied, the people whos pain is real but can without reasonable doubt come to an end due to circumstance. Im talking of the people who despite years of “help”, “therapy”, trying and fighting, failed suicide attempts, reach a point where they are so fucking exhausted, their entire word is affected and has been for so long, the people who have given there all to change, but still remain in excruciating pain. Is it right to stop them ending such pain?
Could it be possible that in certain circumstances suicide is not the selfish, bad act that it is believed to be by so many, but infact it is believed so thanks to many hundreds of years of indoctrination into our society?
It is partially this that causes me such turmoil over Sarahs death, because my views directly affect MY actions.
I, of course still miss you m’dear and yes, selfishly wish we were playing a game of pool together again and you were kickin my ass, the white ball hitting the walls and us laughing at testing out just how shatter proof NHS psych units windows actually were; but at the same time, i have equally strong thoughts, which i cannot shake, such mixed feelings and maybe a message.
One thing i would had wanted for you was peace, and after so many years of one unit to another, one therapist to another to another, you sought your own route out, and i only hope that the pains now gone.
Rest truly in peace beautiful girl xXxXxXx
laughterfallslikelemondrops 